I prayed and prayed for you and loved the idea of you before you were even real. I pictured us snuggling on the couch and in bed with your older sister. I had the idea that having a newborn would be the same as it was with my first. I kept imagining those uninterrupted naps and snuggles. Boy, I was wrong. Now life gets in the way of those special moments that I was able to have with your sister but sometimes find it hard to have with you. The second I sit down to give you a bottle it usually ends up with the bottle being propped because some chaos is happening in the house. All those times you fall asleep in my arms usually will get interrupted by your sister getting into trouble or household chores. I have to make more of a conscious effort to be a present mother with you than I had to with your sister. Luckily, you are the easiest, happiest baby and just go with the flow for all of that chaos. Last night while making dinner, you fell asleep in my arms but this time I decided dinner could wait and I enjoyed you. I know from experience that time goes by so fast and that you won’t be a baby forever and I am trying so hard to cherish these moments but it is so hard. I do get hit with guilt, the guilt that our busy life interrupts our special time; but then it dawned on me, you get different special times that your sister did not get. You get the love of a crazy 3 year old. You get those sticky snuggles from your sister. You get more love. When you cry it’s not just me who runs to help you it is me and your crazy sister and man are you lucky to have her. She was never jealous of you but protective and loved you so much since the first time she saw you. When she wakes up in the morning the first thing she asks for is you. It finally hit me that you being the little sister is your story and you were meant to receive all that love from not only me and your dad but also your big sister. The second you fuss your sister will stop whatever it is that she is doing to give you a binky, bottle and a blanket, she doesn't know which one will make you happy but she tries all three and usually one will work. The bond you already have formed with your big sister is beautiful and even though I don’t get all that one on one time that I was able to have with her, you get to have a loving big sister. When I was pregnant I had this guilt of having a second baby fearing it would take away from your sister. I would cry with guilt and hormones while pregnant thinking I was taking away from my first born child. But I never thought about how you being the second born would effect you or me. Sometimes people will ask to hold you so I can have a break and I tell them I really never get to sit and hold you so no I don’t need a break, I want all the time I can have with you. I want to stare into those blue eyes until you won’t let me anymore. I love you so much Elodie Joyce, my perfect little rainbow baby.
Love,
Mama
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